MY SADNESS IS MINE

     Another ‘blast from my past.’  My first thought was to update it.  After all, this was a thirty five  year old exercise in self pity wallowing.  I decided it reflected the feelings when I wrote it.  Sometimes it’s best to not mess with the juxtaposition of time and emotion.  It makes me remember.                                                              

                       

                                                              MY SADNESS IS MINE

My sadness is mine.  Whatever brought it into play, what or whoever contributed to it’s being, nevertheless it belongs to me alone.

It deserves to have its place IN ME, and I ruefully acknowledge that it doesn’t have to, (and won’t) tell me how long it’ll be with me this time.  It has it’s own identity and it’s own needs.  It even has it’s rights.  One of those rights is that it’ll take it’s “place in the sun,” and be uppermost within me for now.

It IS powerful.  I have a healthy respect for it.  It has the power to flex it’s muscles and show itself and when least welcome.  I’m in awe of it’s power to beat the hell out of pleasanter emotions.  It has the insidious ability to disguise itself as anger, hate, and even as love.

                                             but

It IS mine.  It would be easy to succumb and let ME belong to IT.  And that’s precisely what will happen if I’m not careful.  There can be no doubt that it is powerful and it is greedy.  It wants everything.  It wants to choke and kill all the healthy things in it’s path.  It can’t be trusted to stay in it’s place…not at all.  It wants to take over completely.  Sometimes, (the night hours are it’s favorite) it refuses to stay where I put it, and it runs things.

                                             but

IT is MINE, and I must be it’s master.  I must recognize and defeat it’s tactics. I have some advantage there.  After all, I’ve seen it’s work before, and it’s tactics are familiar.  Its methods haven’t changed…not even a little. Why should they?  They’ve been more than successful in the past.

                                             but

I own IT!  I won’t abandon myself into letting IT own ME. 

So, sadness, my old companion, I put you on notice now: Do your thing, but do it within the confines I’ve set for you.  Don’t ever let your apparent power OVER me confuse you into thinking you ARE me.

You are, in fact a formidable opponent, and you’ve my respect.  YOU are MY creation, and YOU belong to ME!